Reflections from a decade…

A decade is a long time… 10 years, 3650 days, 87,6000 hours to be precise… Why then does it seem to fly by in the blink of the eye? Why then does it seem to drag like eternity?

The start of last decade seems like yesterday; the start of the decade seems like eons ago.

It must be the progression… the single days, the hours and minutes connected to one another like a long necklace of beads, connecting us to our past, keeping us connected, even when we cannot always recognize the person at the other end of the chain.

I look at the person I was at the start of the decade. Waif-like, 78 pounds, with a chronic illness I was determined to shake off. Mother to an energetic four-year old, my energy was lacking, but my will-power was immense. With every effort at healing that failed, my determination only grew sturdier.

Staying strong for a long time is an unnatural way to be. It’s like a body builder walking around constantly with flexed muscles. The strength takes away the flexibility, softness and vulnerability, making it hard to return to. What will my starting point or resting point be the next decade? What will be the place I return to naturally? A strong, if even tough me? Or an open, if even vulnerable me?

There is an animal called as ushghur, a porcupine
If you hit it with a stick, it extends its quills
And gets bigger. The soul is a porcupine,
Made stronger by stick-beating

~ Rumi – Checkmate

A decade later, I no longer try to shake of illnesses. I still don’t like them and a new diagnosis puts a knot in my stomach, but I learn to live with it. Acceptance is a good thing, a wise thing they say, but does it take away optimism?

Yes. There is wisdom in acceptance and that can only lead to peace. But for this precious prize, is there a certain withering away of optimism, and zest, and a light and bright, sunny naivete? Are there losses we make for the sake of wisdom? Or is it simply a function of being ten years older?

Stripped of causes and plans
and things to strive for,
I have discovered everything
I could need or ask for
is right here—
in flawed abundance.
…
There is nothing to do
and nowhere to go.
Accepting this,
we can do everything
and go anywhere.

~ Mark Nepo - Accepting this

The decade has been harrowing, the decade has been fabulous. With lows so deep, and near-death experiences, I ought to be grateful for every day I have here…  

And I am. And yet I forget. And I get caught up in life’s worthless trivialities that won’t matter zit in the end.

I have been privileged. I have never lacked for medical and other resources. My husband and daughter have been there waiting to have fun with me, whenever I have had the juice to. My parents and in-laws have spent time with me and my young child, health professionals, alternate therapists, my naturopath, my family and friends, have all rooted for me.

Yet, I have felt terribly lonely. For no one could possibly understand what I was going through. For I wanted to protect others of what I was going through. Yet, I now realize I never was, not for a moment, alone. In hindsight, perhaps some of the decisions we made, may have caused pain and aching, rather than healing. But I was never alone. Even when I tried to shut others out. And I am humble and grateful for that.  

Friendship is a mirror to presence and a testament to forgiveness. Friendship not only helps us see ourselves through another’s eyes, but can be sustained over the years only with someone who has repeatedly forgiven us for our trespasses as we must find it in ourselves to forgive them in turn.

A friend knows our difficulties and shadows and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our triumphs, when we are under the strange illusion we do not need them.

~ David Whyte - Friendship

Being at the bottom, has made me realize that very few things in life truly matter. Being at the bottom has thrown light on things that I simply do not want in my life. Being at the bottom has made me question the many things that I have senselessly supported, the many boundaries that I have not dared to put in place. I wish I could say that having figured it all out, I am now ready to lead a blissful existence. Far from it, I have scratched the surface of a wound that they told me not to. Yikes. The goop is oozing out… Oh well... There needs to be a project for the next decade, right?

When we are young, we have images in our head of how our life is going to look like, expectations even, of ourselves and others. Sometimes, it turns out to be very different from what we anticipated. But does that mean it lacks in beauty? Will that depend on which lens will we use to view it? The lens of our anticipated expectations. Or that of our current reality for what it may be.

Bring it on 2020 and the decade ahead… I will give you my best shot.
And when I can’t, I will simply kick up feet, and turn on the TV, and eat junk food, or nap… or perhaps make more healthful choices.
For acceptance has taught me, that there will always be tomorrow to get back on your feet.

Reflecting back on a decade is a scary and beautiful thing. It shines light on the glorious iridescent parts as well as the deep dark shadows of not too long ago… And these reflections result in some hazy and some crystal-clear realizations. And perhaps these realizations will be a guide to how I wish to live the next decade, or 10 years, 3650 days, 87,6000 hours to be precise…  

Happy New Year and Decade everyone!