Is limited humanity, still humanity?

The other day… I give a few dollars to a homeless person. It makes me uncomfortable. It is not something I do often.

What comes in the way, I wonder. Is it idealism, my view of how the world should be, my capacity to not want to stray from it, my inflexibility?

To some extent, this is expected, I suppose - for each of us. But does it keep us trapped?

I am reminded of a day many years ago... I walk out of a grocery store I rarely frequent. I am very pregnant and must have watermelon. I notice a woman with a little girl, in the adjoining store -- Pay Day loan or some such store.

It is closed! She exclaims, visibly distraught. By now, I am right next to her. I must waddle past her. My heart goes out to her. In tears, she clutches her girl’s hand. Damn pregnancy hormones, I seem to want to tear up. I struggle to maintain composure and ask if she’s okay.

“Do you have any cash?” she asks me. Mental sigh. This is outside my comfort zone. I really don’t like to give money when I’m worried it may go towards drug or alcohol.

My judgmental mind wonders if she is an alcoholic. I don’t know whether or not I have cash – I often don’t, but I don’t check. I seem unable to find the flexibility to stray from my dogmatic rigidity. I tell her, I don’t.

“Would you like my groceries?” I ask her. There are only a few bags with basic stuff – milk, bread, eggs, cereal, fruit… She is surprised, confused, she shrugs... I hand over the bags to her. I waddle my way back to the car, balancing the watermelon against my giant belly. I remember not parting with the watermelon. Hmm… 

I also remember not going back into the store. I remember wanting to leave the place in a hurry. I call my husband and ask him to pick up the milk.

I think of the little girl and am glad I gave her the groceries, and that her mother allowed me to. But it leaves me unsettled. What if she wanted the money for medicines, why didn’t I ask, how much did she need… I am unsettled, because I know I am trapped in my beliefs and my behaviors based on them. I don’t even know if they are truly mine or where I may have acquired them.

Who am I do decide what a person needs in a given moment? The truth is piercing. It leaves me unsettled, even if I am too young to understand it then.

Not sure I’m old or mature enough to understand it better now. Besides, in another decade, I may see the same incident yet differently.   

But is kindness, kindness if it doesn’t align with what the receiver truly wants and needs?

Another story comes to mind. But my page is up. Perhaps I will write about it, or perhaps I’m done saying what there is.

I do however, continue to wonder, that despite kind intentions, are we pigeonholed in rules that we create based on our beliefs.  Even when we want to help, are we held in a certain limited humanity? Humanity to the extent that seems right and within the boundaries possible for us?  

In altruism then, is there sometimes, discrepancy between the giver’s giving and the receiver’s receiving? I suppose limited humanity is still humanity since it stems from good, kind intentions.

Why then, does it leave me unsettled?