A decade is a long time… 10 years, 3650 days, 87,6000 hours
to be precise… Why then does it seem to fly by in the blink of the eye? Why
then does it seem to drag like eternity?
The start of last decade seems like yesterday; the start of
the decade seems like eons ago.
It must be the progression… the single days, the
hours and minutes connected to one another like a long necklace of beads,
connecting us to our past, keeping us connected, even when we cannot always
recognize the person at the other end of the chain.
I look at the person I was at the start of the decade.
Waif-like, 78 pounds, with a chronic illness I was determined to shake off.
Mother to an energetic four-year old, my energy was lacking, but my will-power
was immense. With every effort at healing that failed, my determination only
grew sturdier.
Staying strong for a long time is
an unnatural way to be. It’s like a body builder walking around constantly with
flexed muscles. The strength takes away the flexibility, softness and
vulnerability, making it hard to return to. What will my starting point or resting
point be the next decade? What will be the place I return to naturally? A strong,
if even tough me? Or an open, if even vulnerable me?
There is an animal called as ushghur, a porcupine
If you hit it with a stick, it extends its quills
And gets bigger. The soul is a porcupine,
Made stronger by stick-beating
~ Rumi – Checkmate
A decade later, I no longer try to shake of illnesses. I
still don’t like them and a new diagnosis puts a knot in my stomach, but I
learn to live with it. Acceptance is a good thing, a wise thing they say, but does
it take away optimism?
Yes. There is wisdom in acceptance and that can only lead to
peace. But for this precious prize, is there a certain withering away of
optimism, and zest, and a light and bright, sunny naivete? Are there losses we
make for the sake of wisdom? Or is it simply a function of being ten years
older?
Stripped of causes and plans
and things to strive for,
I have discovered everything
I could need or ask for
is right here—
in flawed abundance.
…
There is nothing to do
and nowhere to go.
Accepting this,
we can do everything
and go anywhere.
~ Mark Nepo - Accepting this
The decade has been harrowing, the decade has been fabulous.
With lows so deep, and near-death experiences, I ought to be grateful for every
day I have here…
And I am. And yet I forget. And I get caught up in life’s worthless
trivialities that won’t matter zit in the end.
I have been privileged. I have never lacked for medical and other
resources. My husband and daughter have been there waiting to have fun with me,
whenever I have had the juice to. My parents and in-laws have spent time with me
and my young child, health professionals, alternate therapists, my naturopath,
my family and friends, have all rooted for me.
Yet, I have felt terribly lonely. For no one could possibly
understand what I was going through. For I wanted to protect others of what I
was going through. Yet, I now realize I never was, not for a moment, alone.
In hindsight, perhaps some of the decisions we made, may have caused pain and aching,
rather than healing. But I was never alone. Even when I tried to shut others
out. And I am humble and grateful for that.
Friendship is a mirror to presence and a
testament to forgiveness. Friendship not only helps us see ourselves through
another’s eyes, but can be sustained over the years only with someone who has
repeatedly forgiven us for our trespasses as we must find it in ourselves to
forgive them in turn.
A friend knows our difficulties and shadows
and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our
triumphs, when we are under the strange illusion we do not need them.
~ David Whyte - Friendship
Being at the bottom, has made me realize that very few
things in life truly matter. Being at the bottom has thrown light on things
that I simply do not want in my life. Being at the bottom has made me question the
many things that I have senselessly supported, the many boundaries that I have not
dared to put in place. I wish I could say that having figured it all out, I am now
ready to lead a blissful existence. Far from it, I have scratched the surface
of a wound that they told me not to. Yikes. The goop is oozing out… Oh well...
There needs to be a project for the next decade, right?
When we are young, we have images in our head of how our
life is going to look like, expectations even, of ourselves and others.
Sometimes, it turns out to be very different from what we anticipated. But does
that mean it lacks in beauty? Will that depend on which lens will we use to
view it? The lens of our anticipated expectations. Or that of our current
reality for what it may be.
Bring it on 2020 and the decade ahead… I will give you my
best shot.
And when I can’t, I will simply kick up feet, and turn on
the TV, and eat junk food, or nap… or perhaps make more healthful choices.
For acceptance
has taught me, that there will always be tomorrow to get back on your feet.
Reflecting back on a decade is a scary and beautiful thing. It
shines light on the glorious iridescent parts as well as the deep dark shadows
of not too long ago… And these reflections result in some hazy and some crystal-clear
realizations. And perhaps these realizations will be a guide to how I wish to
live the next decade, or 10 years, 3650 days, 87,6000 hours to be precise…
Happy New Year and Decade everyone!
