The one that got away…

Every spring, I see a little sapling by the Japanese maple in our yard. Every year, it makes me happy in a:
Oh! My tree is having a baby, way.
I am hopeful for this little offspring – so fragile, so pretty, so full of possibility.

Every year, it withers away and dies in the mulch.

I feel a twinge, a sadness, now familiar, when I remember to look for it. Maybe next year, I think, and my fickle mind moves on to other matters.

 

Nature has its reasons, I tell myself. Darwin and the survival of the fittest, and all that good stuff.

This year again, I have hopes for the miniscule Japanese maple. I wonder if I should transplant it. I should look online, I should talk to someone about it. I should find out what to do.

I don’t. I remain preoccupied with other matters.

This morning I walk into the yard and look for the sapling. Still there. Withered. Tired. Its neck droops in defeat. It has given up. It is not going to make it.

Nature is cruel.

I remember my sorrow when as a child, I find out that a mother dog may sometimes eat some of its newborn (in the world of strays).

I remember us, a group of kids, pouring over a litter of adorable pups. I remember refusing to believe the words that come out of the neighbor kid’s mouth.

He claims the mother has eaten a couple of its newborn. He has seen it, himself or so he brags. I refuse to believe it. Brag mouth. Liar.  

Later, more facts, and grown-up words, corroborate the evidence. I have my doubts. I don’t want to believe it. I still don’t want to believe it.

It was the probably the weakest one. Something may have been wrong with it. The mother may not have had enough milk for the entire litter. Stray dogs are exhausted and hungry and tired after the birthing process. There are many explanations. Yet, my heart ached. My heart still aches.

It was probably the weakest link. Ah… the weakest link...

I suddenly wonder, if nature is real and cruel and survival is for the fittest, how the heck did I get away? How is it that I am still here?

Is there a reason for my being here? Is it simply evolution and modern medical techniques?

As always, I try to make sense of things. As always, I don’t quite succeed.

What is the reason for my making it? I wonder if it is for a reason. There must be. Maybe I am not the weakest link after all. Who’s to decide? Have we taken it out of Nature’s hands? Is this all simply nature-defiance?  

As always, I try to make sense of things. As always, I don’t quite succeed.

Nature-defying, or not, weakest link or not, all questions don’t necessarily have answers. And even if at times, I feel like the maple sapling – droopy, withered, ready to give up, I know I won’t. There is a secret stash of strength and faith and who knows, possibly a secret purpose even (which quite honestly evades me). Not sure where the strength comes from… from within or from outside, from those who care...

As always, I try to make sense of things. This time however, I’m quite okay with not succeeding.