Grateful for me

If I write a blog sometime around my birthday, it is often about September, and changing seasons, and transitions, and the end of summer and perhaps, just a little metaphorically, of youth and energy.

I thought about it today as I walked the dog, and was struck by something entirely new, something entirely alien to my being. It was a quiet realization that I was grateful for who I was.

I suddenly appreciated my age and being older. I appreciated who I was and where I came from, the family I came from, the challenges, the wonderful experiences, my spirit as a child, the strength of people around me as a child.

In a talk I once attended by Tara Westover, author of Educated, she said we see ourselves through the lens of our family and how they perceive us and that and that has the power to make or break us (paraphrasing here). The thought stayed with me, and I wondered how it applies to the families we marry into, or if we move away from our families, to the communities that surround us. That seems like a slippery slope, one filled with needs of validation and reinforcement.

And yet, on my walk today, it was just me, appreciating myself – my broken body, my resilience, my quirkiness, my mad adventures, my talents – even if I let them dwindle away, my curiosity, my determination, and so on…   

Now, if there were one negative thing, I would most likely not associate with myself, that would be pomposity. And yet, this thought reeked of it. Yeah yeah, my pompous head is no longer capable of passing through doors. As I started deflecting my thoughts and deflating the swollen head with humor. I stopped myself. Humor was my way out. It’s easy to self-deprecate and diminish oneself, and many of us are good at it. 

Owning the good about oneself is hard. Congratulating oneself is hard. And yet, quietly and simply, I was suddenly able to do so. And I was in awe. I wondered if it was because it was a lovely morning and walk. Deflecting again. And the answer, even if yes, was no. My calves hurt, I was battling constant fatigue from a rough recovery from Covid, my kid had recently got Dengue fever, it had been a rough summer.

Yet, despite the less than perfect situation, I was able to see it all as fleeting. I was able to see myself and my life as not completely consumed by the challenges. Deep down, I knew that I would see through it all and that I had support.   

Dude, this has got to be some kind of growth. And how can I make this feeling last? It all sounds and feels so centered and mature. Almost Zen master-ish. I never want it to end.

Truth is - it probably will end. But the fact that I was able to catch its wispy tails, even if it fleets away like the summer, and the fleeing fall leaves, it is a feeling worth noticing and savoring.

I hope you will too 😊