“But Why??”

My head and heart often seem to be at odds. Not in any clear obvious way, not like the Greek tragedies we studied in college with a tragic hero/heroine (me) at the center, who must choose between love and duty.  However dramatic I may seem, my life is pretty plain.

How are things “supposed” to be?

I wrestle with the thought – wrangle it, watch it, fear it… with uneasiness, with open curiosity, steeped in judgement, in compassion. Yes. Welcome to my headspace – you can do all of that in the same space and in the same timeframe.

I stare some more at the question. I am brave enough to take it out of my head, out of its assimilated state mixed in with the other stuff, stale beliefs, etc. I squint. I gaze. I walk around it in wonder. I stare some more. With curiosity. With puzzlement.

My head acts like the boss. It knows. Facts are facts. That’s the way things are supposed to be. That’s the path of safety and security. It is the policeman who knows its job is to keep me safe.

My heart is not quite convinced. It wanders around it with puzzlement and open curiosity. Once the head is a little removed, it can hear its own beating. And all it feels is puzzlement. It has many questions. Like my child who would flood me with endless “But why??”. Only for my every very logical response to be faced with another never-ending, never-satisfied “But why??”.

I could never tell if it was a game to her or if it was genuine perplexity. In the case of my heart, I know. It is perplexity. A lot of it. From many years ago.

Who made the rules, it wants to know. And why? My heart looks at my head in askance. Why do you give so much importance to so many things that you don’t really care about. Okay correction, that I (heart) really don’t care about. Is it because others value it? Because society values it? Because you were told so? Because you feared you would be nothing without it? Like my child, all my heart wants to say to my head is “But why??”.

Small things, big things, programmed things, acquired things. Tiny little metal boxes of inflexible beliefs and fears, sticking out, poking at us, waiting possibly to simply gather rust. They may be valuable to society or a greater belief system. Do they add luminosity to our life and being? Or do they weigh us down?

Really, I’m not asking us to break all the rules. Please return your library books on time and stop at the traffic light. I’m questioning the expectations and tiny rules we make for ourselves. Those that seem to matter to us when they really may not matter to us very much. The strictness we may introduce into our lives, which may be the result of lives led, past experiences, how we were raised, the list is endless…

The heart knows if something matters to us. And different things matter to different people. All the heart may want is a little more freedom, to breathe, to be. To be itself, and not be dragged about.

Maybe, all it wants is for the rhythm of its beating to be acknowledged. For its “But Why??” to be heard.

Grateful for me

If I write a blog sometime around my birthday, it is often about September, and changing seasons, and transitions, and the end of summer and perhaps, just a little metaphorically, of youth and energy.

I thought about it today as I walked the dog, and was struck by something entirely new, something entirely alien to my being. It was a quiet realization that I was grateful for who I was.

I suddenly appreciated my age and being older. I appreciated who I was and where I came from, the family I came from, the challenges, the wonderful experiences, my spirit as a child, the strength of people around me as a child.

In a talk I once attended by Tara Westover, author of Educated, she said we see ourselves through the lens of our family and how they perceive us and that and that has the power to make or break us (paraphrasing here). The thought stayed with me, and I wondered how it applies to the families we marry into, or if we move away from our families, to the communities that surround us. That seems like a slippery slope, one filled with needs of validation and reinforcement.

And yet, on my walk today, it was just me, appreciating myself – my broken body, my resilience, my quirkiness, my mad adventures, my talents – even if I let them dwindle away, my curiosity, my determination, and so on…   

Now, if there were one negative thing, I would most likely not associate with myself, that would be pomposity. And yet, this thought reeked of it. Yeah yeah, my pompous head is no longer capable of passing through doors. As I started deflecting my thoughts and deflating the swollen head with humor. I stopped myself. Humor was my way out. It’s easy to self-deprecate and diminish oneself, and many of us are good at it. 

Owning the good about oneself is hard. Congratulating oneself is hard. And yet, quietly and simply, I was suddenly able to do so. And I was in awe. I wondered if it was because it was a lovely morning and walk. Deflecting again. And the answer, even if yes, was no. My calves hurt, I was battling constant fatigue from a rough recovery from Covid, my kid had recently got Dengue fever, it had been a rough summer.

Yet, despite the less than perfect situation, I was able to see it all as fleeting. I was able to see myself and my life as not completely consumed by the challenges. Deep down, I knew that I would see through it all and that I had support.   

Dude, this has got to be some kind of growth. And how can I make this feeling last? It all sounds and feels so centered and mature. Almost Zen master-ish. I never want it to end.

Truth is - it probably will end. But the fact that I was able to catch its wispy tails, even if it fleets away like the summer, and the fleeing fall leaves, it is a feeling worth noticing and savoring.

I hope you will too 😊