I am sorry….

Letter to my daughter, to all those in her school and to her entire generation, who think of this this as a normal event,

I am sorry…  

I am sorry that you have been in lockdown at school for over three hours now.

I am sorry I cannot tell you when this will end and when you will get home.

I am sorry this is happening to you and that I can do nothing about it.

I am sorry that you may be scared, confused, just plain hungry or really really need to pee.

I am sorry that some of you have been huddled under desks for hours.

I am sorry that even if I may be circling your school, that even if I am only yards away from you, I cannot tell you it’s going to be okay.

I am sorry that even if I do nothing else all day and am in loops of groups texts, I can do nothing to help.

I am sorry that even if I continue to gather information, it feels pointless, and all I want to do is to hug you tight, even when your teenage self tries to squirm out of it.

I am sorry that each of you was patted down by policemen with riffles.

I am sorry that a middle schooler has the capacity to wreak such havoc.

I am sorry we do not have a supportive social fabric to support our troubled teens in need.

I am sorry that unfettered gun ownership allows a young kid to make threats and that we have to heed those threats as they may be genuine.

I am sorry that access to guns is so easy.

I am sorry our country and lawmakers are not yet able to do anything about this.

I am sorry you had to call me to say you are okay and that they are 'giving you oranges and stuff'. I am sorry you had to act like it was no big deal.

I am sorry you feel like you have to be all grown-up and that you have to calmly explain things to me. I am sorry you feel like you need to be the adult in our relationship today. 

I am sorry that you will probably come home, see my anxious face, shrug your shoulders and say you were fine. I am sorry you will tough it out and let it slide like it is a routine thing.

I am sorry I cannot tell you that this will never happen to you again.

I am sorry that even if I know it is my job as a parent to keep you safe, I can do nothing about this.

I am sorry if my sorrys amount to nothing and my hope for your generation is that you will bring in the change and that you will never have to write such a letter to your children.