Last month, I saw my naturopath’s resident for bodywork and visceral manipulation. My body was in constant pain, I had incessant headaches, nausea, I wasn’t sleeping well… I was ill at ease all the time. I get impatient and frustrated in periods such as these. For there is no single solution, no single ailment to fix and address. It feels like an avalanche in the present, with roots in the past – decades of illness, surgeries gone wrong, intestinal perforation, months of hospital stay, truckloads of medication, ensuing complications – liver disease, scar tissues… you get the gist. The medical system worked hard to keep me alive, they did their everything, they succeeded. But despite their “success”, I live with what seems to me, unresolved pain and the outcomes of the illness and medical events.
It has been a journey and countless people have helped me. Family,
friends, strangers, the medical community, the alternate medicine community who
I rely on greatly… I am lucky to be alive and to live a normal life. Which is
why I feel a twinge of guilt each time I am pissed at my lot, the aches and
pains, and limitations, and the irritation that I will never be rid of it. Never.
Ever. Grrrrr…
This piece is not to reveal my inner inadequacies in
maturity, grace, acceptance… even if I may be doing a fine job of it so far. I
simply want to share something this wise practitioner said to me, that gives me
pause. And a certain hope.
We studied my abdomen as she decided what needed the most
work. I started narrating the events of the past – of how the surgeon
accidentally nicked my small bowel, of how the sutures came undone, and the ensuing
mayhem which explains my pain years later.
A lot had happened. And my practitioner was aware. She listened
and quietly said to me that my body was beautiful and amazing. That it could
endure so much and be who it is, that my inner organs were wonderful.
It was hard for me to receive her kind words. She was
speaking of a certain beauty, while all I could see were problems.
She continued hesitantly, asking for my permission to share
an idea. The curious cat that I am, on a constant quest to make sense of the world,
I was not passing up on perspectives from this lovely person. I nodded.
She said sometimes it is important for us to rewrite our
stories. While there was no denying the bad, sometimes we need to shed light on
the good occurring alongside. She spoke of a body-mind connection and of how
our bodies are listening to our stories and how the healing process may gain
from it. And reduce the stress. Once again, she reminded me of how strong I was,
how beautiful my body was, to go through everything it had gone through and be
what it is today.
I realized that each time I am in pain, my mind probably goes
back to that time of botched surgery. I suppose it gives me an explanation of
why I feel crummy. A justification even.
And easy as she made it sound to rewrite our stories, is it truly
that simple?
Who would I be without that story? Was I willing to give it
up? Did I need to give it up? It was one story. Maybe I could see that story
alongside other stories of survival and strength, and kindness from others and
sheer love. Those stories exist too. And they have always been there. Waiting.
Patiently.
How then, do I own these stories? Wholeheartedly,
compassionately, without undermining any of it? In the wake of the other
horrible stories occurring alongside?
Perhaps I will have to be a braver version of myself. Perhaps
I will have to give up certain stories that I am holding on tightly to. That may
no longer be serving me.
Happy New Year my friends! May we be able to rewrite our
stories to bring back our peace. That it gives us strength and brings the power
back to ourselves, rather than to the villains of our past – events,
circumstances, people who caused us pain. Let our stories be those of the
strength we showed in those times. Of our perseverance, compassion, gentleness
and courage.
And maybe it will loosen the grip of the ghosts of our past,
giving us a certain freedom to move forward in the direction we would like to.
In the direction of our true selves. For our true selves can only be radiant
and luminous. Happy 2023!
Love,
Ruta
